Joys of Buddying

So you are 30 years old and still single! All your friends are either engaged ,long term relationships or hitched. Your mum says to you “what is wrong with you?” every relative that calls is expecting good news, and the only boys that chat you up are half your age! So then you start to think to yourself hmmmm what is wrong with me??
Oh did I mention I am Indian?!?
Indian, born in Britain, and as single as they come!
I am not ugly just single.
I am not stupid, just single.
I am not fussy- haha of course I bloody am and have every right to be!
And some aunties point out, once you reach a certain age, there is no chance of matrimony as you have had too much time to what is it they say “develop your own personality”
Well after having a long term boyfriend (of the forbidden kind) and that not working out, I am left on the shelf as they say. There are so many ridiculous phrases for being single!! Non of them are very nice either: on the shelf, missed the boat, damaged goods.
Although all your friends of the brown kind will deny, we (we being the Single Ville gang) are on all sorts of matrimony websites, mainly to please our parents and appear to be being pro active. What’s irritates me is when your ugly mate tells you, “oh it’s really good, I met my girlfriend on there and we are going to get married” and it’s no surprise when you meet them and they look like the back end of a truck- as they say the proof is in the pudding!
Yes I know I sound bitter, but it’s annoying. You get to that age and that’s all anyone ever talks to you about. “Is there anyone special in your life dear?” to which the answer is always no and then comes the automatic head tilt. Pity look followed by the up and down assessment just to see if there are any deformities.
I must have been on at least 50 dates in the last 3 years. Some of them were nice but just not for me. That’s being polite really. Some of them were total losers, couldn’t speak English, I don’t mean they couldn’t speak English but could speak their mother tongue, I mean they actually couldn’t even speak normal, everyday English because they were stupid! I mean what 33 year old man opens a sentence with “what you sayin?” what the hell does that even mean?. I am saying speak English you bloody fool! Someone should also inform these people that cool is not spelt with a k and it’s actually not “cool” to use cool more that twice in a 4 line email! Also if you are hoping to “chirps” with a girl ( you tend to pick up the ridiculous banter after years of researching) it is not recommended to start off the conversation with….”just in case you are a bit tight……” DECLINE.
I have to say, without sounding like an absolute lesbionic bitch, there are so many awfully ugly and terribly dumb males out there. They should be on a Crufts website not a website for dating females. Sometimes I do think if I am desperate for company, I may try the whole lemon curd route………….NEVER.
I’ve had short ones, fat ones, bald ones, comedians, doctors, old men, young men, the list is as long as my rolling pin and still goes on and still I am single. So I have to ask the question, is it just me or are these websites just full of misfits and thus their reason for being there!
Rant over.