The Result

So, in short it all hit the fan with the twin getting wind of the secret affair.
Despite the pain and anxiety this brought, it also allowed me to see the realisation for what it really is. Billy is a bad man. A selfish tart who is looking out for number one. Zero respect for my twin, my family and the least respect for me! I was just another notch on his bed post, a conquest. If we were living in the age of concubines and kings, I would have just been something for him to do.
I was warned but like anything, we need to learn from our own mistakes.
Was this in actual fact love or just lust? I feel i need to resume nun status and keep my heart packed away in a silk embedded box with a chub lock on it for protection. Protection, that's what I need. Protection from myself.

They say to get over someone, you should date someone else. Contrary to what I have just said, I did go on a date last night following an extremely trying day with the spontaneous one who I met a couple of years ago at a party. It all seems terribly cliche, but the truth is, that memeory has stuck with us both. I saw him from afar in admiration, later to be spun around by him and literally swept off my feet.

Anyway we met last night and talked for hours, totally relaxed, completely myself, the Taliska helped, the fly in it didn't!

It certanainly is a confidence booster when a man of his beauty wants to be with you. Am I ready for that?
They say relationships follow suit from your first. My 1st relationship with the forbidden one was full of adventure albeit difficult and childish. I am attracted to that characteristic. The bad boy, the chancer, the charmer. Deep down I suppose I am trying to crack their code, but unfortuneately, a bad boy can't turn good and a good boy does not hold a magnet to a girl like me.
I like the pain. Sometimes I endure the melancholy moments and see it as a time to reflect in a James Dean esq way. Sometimes that pain, resulting in oesophagus spasms, tight chested, butterfly infested stomach is not the best pain. Is there really any good pain? The answer to that should be left for another day.

Today I have not thought about Billy with that flutter, more with rage. When he said he is flattered by my feelings but simply can not force himself to feel something he doesn't, well again, it was like taking a bullet, this time right in the head. He kept on shooting and I kept on taking those bullets. I did not move, i did not save myself. I took it all and consequently am dead inside.
Dead.

Loner, Loser and Complicated Wreck

I know it has been but a day since the last entry but I feel the need to blog!! Reason being the pain has subsided but not altogether disappeared and it seems I am hanging on to something that may have altogether dissipated in the hope that there may be a glimmer of hope.
I have taken advice from some good friends and gotten back on the dating horse and have a date with a beautiful soul tomorrow but I can't help feel that it is a waste of my time. The waste of time is really thinking about Billy who doesn't deserve it. Is he just "simple" and emotionally dead? Is he trying to distance himself because deep down he knows that he isn't quite good enough or is it that he just doesn't like me??
Who can answer these questions. The simpolicity factor is definately key. For example. Having my best friends wedding looming in a couple of weeks, he is now unable to come yet still wants to stay with me the night before the wedding. Am I fool for still wanting him there?

It is so hard to think rationally. Why were we made with organs that contradict each others thinking! The head and the heart. In hazy situations, the head begins thinking as the heart does and not the other way round as would be prefered. This proves the heart is dominant.

I feel I test myself and am a glutten for punishment. I want to still go and see him tonight, knowing how I will feel tomorrow. The pain is almost like a drug. I planned ahead knowing the feelings after the wedding, booking my escape to the Green Island, but what do I do in the mean time.

Survival Kit

Right, I am trying, very hard might I add, to find a solution to this heartbreak. The shopping was a temporary fix but it was more like prit stick to the wound, not super glue.
I am running again, which is certainly a more long term solution as i have discovered running is an amazing adrenalin rush and endorphin releaser. Hmmm, I seem to remember running before to get some headspace. It definately clears the cob webs Having my music guru Yogi (appropriately named) provide me with a medley of good music has also aided the healing process considerably.
Oh and also my re-discovery of the GhD. I may be siongle again but at least I have fabulous hair.

Another bullet was taken yesterday, although on reflection I don't know if I was shotting the bullet or he was. The forbidden one called me after 2 years! The reason he hung up last year when I telephoned him was his new girlfriend saw I was calling and he got scared and didn't know what to do. 32 years old and getting scared over a jealous girlfriend. He regrets leaving me now I am sure.
Love is for losers!
Once again the theory I have come to believe more and more about men is true. All my ex's still want to be with me but have real girlfriends too. All I can say to that is, well I think you can all imagine the words and hand gestures going through my head right now.

Ishika, the girl every guy wants to date but doesn't want to marry.

Billy could have had it all.

I have just realised, i digress TOTALLY.
So anyway. I have my super glue, my healing aids, my survival pack. It consists of a pair of trainers and an iPod filled with fabulous music.

I will finish this blog at some point. Let me see how long I can go with the kit I have created.
Oh another thing. Should I stay with Blly tomorrow? My head obviously says no but the heart is ruling here and I want to. Is this the reason I feel I am on the road to recovery or am I really on that road and just about to take a U-Turn?

Ah the music doesn't help the confusion it just blocks out the the thoughts. If the music didn't play, I could hear my own thoughts and that is a recipe for disaster!