The Result

So, in short it all hit the fan with the twin getting wind of the secret affair.
Despite the pain and anxiety this brought, it also allowed me to see the realisation for what it really is. Billy is a bad man. A selfish tart who is looking out for number one. Zero respect for my twin, my family and the least respect for me! I was just another notch on his bed post, a conquest. If we were living in the age of concubines and kings, I would have just been something for him to do.
I was warned but like anything, we need to learn from our own mistakes.
Was this in actual fact love or just lust? I feel i need to resume nun status and keep my heart packed away in a silk embedded box with a chub lock on it for protection. Protection, that's what I need. Protection from myself.

They say to get over someone, you should date someone else. Contrary to what I have just said, I did go on a date last night following an extremely trying day with the spontaneous one who I met a couple of years ago at a party. It all seems terribly cliche, but the truth is, that memeory has stuck with us both. I saw him from afar in admiration, later to be spun around by him and literally swept off my feet.

Anyway we met last night and talked for hours, totally relaxed, completely myself, the Taliska helped, the fly in it didn't!

It certanainly is a confidence booster when a man of his beauty wants to be with you. Am I ready for that?
They say relationships follow suit from your first. My 1st relationship with the forbidden one was full of adventure albeit difficult and childish. I am attracted to that characteristic. The bad boy, the chancer, the charmer. Deep down I suppose I am trying to crack their code, but unfortuneately, a bad boy can't turn good and a good boy does not hold a magnet to a girl like me.
I like the pain. Sometimes I endure the melancholy moments and see it as a time to reflect in a James Dean esq way. Sometimes that pain, resulting in oesophagus spasms, tight chested, butterfly infested stomach is not the best pain. Is there really any good pain? The answer to that should be left for another day.

Today I have not thought about Billy with that flutter, more with rage. When he said he is flattered by my feelings but simply can not force himself to feel something he doesn't, well again, it was like taking a bullet, this time right in the head. He kept on shooting and I kept on taking those bullets. I did not move, i did not save myself. I took it all and consequently am dead inside.
Dead.