The Killer Outfit?

Women are certainly the stronger of the 2 sexes, but when it comes to matters of the heart, not Only are we a lot more sensitive but also we live in a little fantasy bubble kindding ourselves about what the other sex says to us and what we think it means but what it actually means.  Our girlfriends will tell us that the dress we are about to wear will " seal the deal" and ad muchbas we like to believe that a piece of fabric has the power to make a boy fall in love with us, we all know in a case like that, we must revert to using the left side of our brain and understand that that theory is utter bull shit! 
It would be great to have that Have a level of naivety that is that great and combine it with a spoon full of innocence, but most women with an active brain know better.
I am guilty of falling for into this trap.  I often spent hundreds before a date finding the "perfect" outfit and yet still single. We know it doesn't work.
Well it does not work for those expecting to find a bit more than  a quick shag!! 
I return to the Billy saga- he finds me " overwhelmingly attractive" but yet does not have emotional feelings for me. 
That says it all and proves my point! A pretty cover does not 
√make things happen. In a way the outfit is like a mask, covering the real you.
In conclusion, don't fool yourself thinking a pretty frock will make a guy fall in love with you! Takes a little more than that! Use your brains..

The Result

So, in short it all hit the fan with the twin getting wind of the secret affair.
Despite the pain and anxiety this brought, it also allowed me to see the realisation for what it really is. Billy is a bad man. A selfish tart who is looking out for number one. Zero respect for my twin, my family and the least respect for me! I was just another notch on his bed post, a conquest. If we were living in the age of concubines and kings, I would have just been something for him to do.
I was warned but like anything, we need to learn from our own mistakes.
Was this in actual fact love or just lust? I feel i need to resume nun status and keep my heart packed away in a silk embedded box with a chub lock on it for protection. Protection, that's what I need. Protection from myself.

They say to get over someone, you should date someone else. Contrary to what I have just said, I did go on a date last night following an extremely trying day with the spontaneous one who I met a couple of years ago at a party. It all seems terribly cliche, but the truth is, that memeory has stuck with us both. I saw him from afar in admiration, later to be spun around by him and literally swept off my feet.

Anyway we met last night and talked for hours, totally relaxed, completely myself, the Taliska helped, the fly in it didn't!

It certanainly is a confidence booster when a man of his beauty wants to be with you. Am I ready for that?
They say relationships follow suit from your first. My 1st relationship with the forbidden one was full of adventure albeit difficult and childish. I am attracted to that characteristic. The bad boy, the chancer, the charmer. Deep down I suppose I am trying to crack their code, but unfortuneately, a bad boy can't turn good and a good boy does not hold a magnet to a girl like me.
I like the pain. Sometimes I endure the melancholy moments and see it as a time to reflect in a James Dean esq way. Sometimes that pain, resulting in oesophagus spasms, tight chested, butterfly infested stomach is not the best pain. Is there really any good pain? The answer to that should be left for another day.

Today I have not thought about Billy with that flutter, more with rage. When he said he is flattered by my feelings but simply can not force himself to feel something he doesn't, well again, it was like taking a bullet, this time right in the head. He kept on shooting and I kept on taking those bullets. I did not move, i did not save myself. I took it all and consequently am dead inside.
Dead.

Loner, Loser and Complicated Wreck

I know it has been but a day since the last entry but I feel the need to blog!! Reason being the pain has subsided but not altogether disappeared and it seems I am hanging on to something that may have altogether dissipated in the hope that there may be a glimmer of hope.
I have taken advice from some good friends and gotten back on the dating horse and have a date with a beautiful soul tomorrow but I can't help feel that it is a waste of my time. The waste of time is really thinking about Billy who doesn't deserve it. Is he just "simple" and emotionally dead? Is he trying to distance himself because deep down he knows that he isn't quite good enough or is it that he just doesn't like me??
Who can answer these questions. The simpolicity factor is definately key. For example. Having my best friends wedding looming in a couple of weeks, he is now unable to come yet still wants to stay with me the night before the wedding. Am I fool for still wanting him there?

It is so hard to think rationally. Why were we made with organs that contradict each others thinking! The head and the heart. In hazy situations, the head begins thinking as the heart does and not the other way round as would be prefered. This proves the heart is dominant.

I feel I test myself and am a glutten for punishment. I want to still go and see him tonight, knowing how I will feel tomorrow. The pain is almost like a drug. I planned ahead knowing the feelings after the wedding, booking my escape to the Green Island, but what do I do in the mean time.

Survival Kit

Right, I am trying, very hard might I add, to find a solution to this heartbreak. The shopping was a temporary fix but it was more like prit stick to the wound, not super glue.
I am running again, which is certainly a more long term solution as i have discovered running is an amazing adrenalin rush and endorphin releaser. Hmmm, I seem to remember running before to get some headspace. It definately clears the cob webs Having my music guru Yogi (appropriately named) provide me with a medley of good music has also aided the healing process considerably.
Oh and also my re-discovery of the GhD. I may be siongle again but at least I have fabulous hair.

Another bullet was taken yesterday, although on reflection I don't know if I was shotting the bullet or he was. The forbidden one called me after 2 years! The reason he hung up last year when I telephoned him was his new girlfriend saw I was calling and he got scared and didn't know what to do. 32 years old and getting scared over a jealous girlfriend. He regrets leaving me now I am sure.
Love is for losers!
Once again the theory I have come to believe more and more about men is true. All my ex's still want to be with me but have real girlfriends too. All I can say to that is, well I think you can all imagine the words and hand gestures going through my head right now.

Ishika, the girl every guy wants to date but doesn't want to marry.

Billy could have had it all.

I have just realised, i digress TOTALLY.
So anyway. I have my super glue, my healing aids, my survival pack. It consists of a pair of trainers and an iPod filled with fabulous music.

I will finish this blog at some point. Let me see how long I can go with the kit I have created.
Oh another thing. Should I stay with Blly tomorrow? My head obviously says no but the heart is ruling here and I want to. Is this the reason I feel I am on the road to recovery or am I really on that road and just about to take a U-Turn?

Ah the music doesn't help the confusion it just blocks out the the thoughts. If the music didn't play, I could hear my own thoughts and that is a recipe for disaster!

Obsession

Following my entry with regards to clearing out the wardrobe, I have found my mojo again and just can’t get enough of shopping!!! I just want it all. Is it greed? Well I suppose on one level it is and it’s wasteful as I surely wont be able to get through it all during this lifetime but it makes me happy. Is it happiness that I am feeling or is it a void that I am trying to fill, stuffing the hole with fashion and emptying the bank in the process. When you write it down you realise what is the answer to that question. I am filling a void. Shopping is a release. Over consummation. Some people eat, some people smoke, I shop!
The reason this obsession has reared its pretty head is for what other reason but another heart break. Why do I always fall for the ones I can’t be with? Why can I not be boring and go for the reliable ones that aren’t afraid of commitment? I expect it because the excitement and thrill of the secret is like a drug, can’t get enough but inevitably it harms you. Oh well, another heart break, but a fabulously healthy wardrobe.

Metaphorical Activity

Clear your wardrobe, clear your mind.
It’s always an emotional exercise clearing out your closet. It isn’t just the cloths your are sifting through, but years of memories and stories. Every piece has a tale to tell. Well mine do anyway.

Opening a drawer is like opening a book, a journal of times past. There are times in your life when you feel it is right to get rid of memories and times when it is inconceivable! I feel the time is right. Following the break up with the forbidden one, I had kept a hold of every t-shirt, every sock!! For me it was hanging on to something that was no-longer. Yesterday, I threw it all away, and you know what, it felt exilerating! Granted, it took five years to do it, but now it’s done, and gone I feel good. There is no going back as these memories are now half way across the world and I ‘ll tell you something else, there are going to be some mighty finely dressed beggars on the street. That is probably very un p.c to say but anyway.
Perhaps all this hoarding was conducive to my sick feeling. Could it be that he made me sick??

The actual point of the point that I am trying to make is that de-cluttering ones wardrobe is actively metaphoric to clearing one’s mind and whilst doing so, you may even come across some real gems. I found a fabulous Missoni top that I have been searching for for almost 2 years!!
When I begun this writing, the thought process and flow was there but as it has gone on, it seems to have dissipated. Obviously the mind is not as de-cluttered as I had hoped it would be.

In conclusion, the more you have, the more confusion about what to wear becomes an issue, and then when you have those “special days” well that’s just a catalyst for the OCD!!

The Holiday's are coming

Who is ready for the holidays??
One person who is definately ready is me!! I absolutely can not wait. I can't ever remeber being this excited to be away from work, computers and all the biscuits that have accumulated in the coffee lounge crying out to be eaten!!! If I succumb to the temptations that try to lure us in to the Christmas feel, I will end up looking like a stuffed turkey so it is a case of self control to maintain self preservation!

What am I expecting this year, well not a lot really and to be honest when you get older, the idea of other people buying you something that isn't quite up to your taste and having to paste on a articicial smile thus adding to the ever growing crows feet, well it does not excite me. What excites me is the the idea of being at home with the family and enjoying quality time, waking up and being able to see them past 8am without having to dash out the door, being able to move around outt doors in actual daylight!! I know it all sounds quite pathetic, but what can I say, I am getting older, and appreciating the finer things in life.
Luckily I managed to finish all my shopping prior to the snow fall. I can guarantee there will be no disappointed faces. I am a giver not a receiver. I have far too many comoditites as it is and frankly I have little storage left in the mansion.

Oh I know what I would love for Christmas, a diamond ring and a vile of botox. Now that would just complete the day. It's never going to happen, or is it???

So we are fast approaching another year where people make their Bridget Jones resolutions....I will lose weight, I will try harder....yarder yarder.
I can't say I have thought of any as yet, but I do have 9 more days to come up with some little pearls and see if I can stick to them.
One is, I shall be more attentive with my updates and I shall definately definately give up chocolate :)and avoid the Sunday blues. There, i didn't need 9 days, I have done it already. I made my resolutions earlier in the year. They are still going strong.

Happy Holidays Everyone.

Bon Anee.
xoxo